Awakening
Title: Awakening, Part 1
Series: Code Geass
Character(s): Suzaku, Lelouch
Pairing: SuzuLulu
Genre: Drama
Warnings: Spoilers for the end of the series
Summary: A Suzaku POV take on an alternate ending for Code Geass.
Dedication: This is for wabisuke, my very inspiring Suzaku.

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Of all of the orders you ever gave me, the last one was the hardest. It was the only one that I could not follow to the letter. I know that I swore that I would do all that you asked and I know that you paid the price for any loyalty I could give you, but in the end, how could I drive that blade through your heart? How could I feel you bleed to death against me and feel the life slip out of your body? That was too much, Lelouch. Even for you and me… it was just too much.

At the time when we made that damnable pact, I fully believed that I could do it. I thought that you would pay for your sins like that… and I for mine. I knew then that your intentions were noble. That this was a plan only you could create and implement. I thought that I was ready to play my part. For the sake of the world, we would both go that far. And I will admit it. A part of me believed that you should suffer… a part of me still held anger toward you over all that had happened. Those wounds… that old sense of betrayal… they didn’t fade easily.

But fade they did. For so long, we had been so far apart… barely speaking at best. Yet suddenly, we were working together, side by side. Hidden away, inseparable. You were confiding in me… trusting in me again… I had thought that our friendship had been lost forever… but from that day we made our pact forward, we had a new understanding. You told me the whole truth and laid your broken heart bare to me. I forgave you. It took me a little while, but I did realize it.

After that, is it any wonder that everything else between us changed? Instead of trying to pull the world in two different directions, we were finally working to move it together.

There had always been that tension between us… something unspoken. That is what you told me that morning, anyway. Up until then, I had myself convinced that it was all in my head. That you would never see me as more than a friend. I guess I was about as dense as you claimed I was, huh?

Do you remember that? You had stayed up all night working on your plans and fell asleep on the couch. As you did so many times. So, when I woke up, I carried you over to your bed… and I will admit that I was watching you sleep. I thought that I could safely have that much. And then, you leaned up and kissed me.

I think I almost fell over from the shock.

I never let myself think it until then. I denied my own emotions when they surfaced, so how could I possibly see yours? Even though you were always the one to take action, to make a decision and boldly pursue it, I could not imagine that you would pursue me.

I thought that I was dreaming even as I kissed you back.

Perhaps because even then, I loved you. Because I had always loved you… and how and when exactly I fell in love with you on top of that, I cannot even begin to guess. All I know is that I was in love with you when you kissed me, and I love you even more now. You are everything to me, and I cannot live in this world without you. I will not do it, Lelouch. So, you are just going to have to pull through this and wake up.

I cannot stand how pale you are, how much blood you lost even though I missed your heart on purpose… You feel so cold, but I can hear your heart beating on when I press my head to your chest. That blood transfusion has to take hold. And if it does not, the fact that I am here holding you in my arms and loving you with my whole heart should call you to me. You have my heart, Lelouch. My soul… all that I am belongs to you, now as always. So please, please, wake up.

I made sure that the doctor I bribed was the best. He mended your wounds and warned me that you would be unconscious for a time. That you might not make it. But he never knew how stubborn you are. He never saw your face, you know. I have not ruined your grand plan. Everyone in the world believes that you are dead.

Except me…

Lelouch… you gave me a Geass to live and something to live for. You loved me even though I was unworthy of anyone’s love and have been for a long time. You trusted me even when we never should have trusted each other again. I can live for you… but how can I go on living if the one I love the most in the world is dead and gone by my hand?

All this time, you tried so hard to keep your feelings quiet. You were hiding them from me, or trying to, weren’t you? Trying to make it seem as if it were only physical… but the look in your eyes when I told you that I loved you… Did you really think that I would not see that? Did you imagine that I would not know? Every movement and every breath told me that I was yours… that look in your eyes told me that you loved me. Far, far too much… in a way that burned within you far too brightly to hide.

That last night, you finally said the words. It had been enough without them, you know. Just to love you and be loved by you in return was more than I could have dreamed of for myself. More than I could bear to lose. Yet, when you gave me your whole heart, more eloquently than I could have dreamed, I knew that I could never kill you. Not how you wanted…

That is why I am here, holding onto you so protectively, as if you were the most precious thing in the world. To me, you are. I do not need anything in the world but you.

So, please… open your eyes again. Yell at me for not following orders. Get angry that your plans were not followed to the letter. And then, stay by my side. I will give you anything you wish and all of myself. Anything, as long as you stay alive…

[Author's Note: The next section will be Lelouch POV.]