Awakening, Part 2
Title: Awakening, Part 2
Series: Code Geass
Character(s): Suzaku, Lelouch
Pairing: SuzuLulu
Genre: Drama
Warnings: Spoilers for the end of the series
Summary: A Lelouch POV take on an alternate ending for Code Geass.
Dedication: This is for wabisuke, my very inspiring Suzaku.

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As I had expected, dying was painful. There was the physical pain that arose when you plunged the blade into my chest, tearing through muscle and tissue as if I were made of paper. That is the kind of strength that you possess, Suzaku. The kind of strength that makes everything that holds one’s body together negligible.

That pain was nothing, however, compared to the other pain. The pain of letting go of everything that I loved. That was the true agony… to feel you against me and know that I had asked you to extinguish my life, to stare into Nunnally’s eyes and feel her understand everything all at once. And still I had to stop fighting, to give up on my struggle for survival, because the only thing that I could do for either one of you was to just let go.

So, I did. I carried out my end of the bargain without hesitating. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I did it, Suzaku. Whether it was only an ending or also the beginning of another life, I could never know. But still, I did it. 

For Nunnally…

…and to keep my promise to you.

I told myself that I had let it all go in the days leading up to my death. I put up a good front of accepting it all, I believe. After that time when I had nearly cracked upon learning that Nunnally was alive, I never wavered in my resolve. I played my role as Emperor from beginning to end. I let them all hate me, fear me, revile me. I scarcely minded. What did it matter when it was only a mask, a carefully calculated plan to unite them all against me. I was perfect when there were eyes upon me.

You were my only indulgence, but I tried to maintain some distance all the same. I thought it would be sufficient if I showed you only a small piece of what I felt. Yet I fear that you always knew me far too well to be fooled into thinking that it was only a physical affair. As if what I feel for you could be ever be reduced to something so meaningless. Forgive me for being unable to resist those feelings better, for allowing myself that one genuine felicity, and for showing it to you far too much. I made the decision to pursue you thinking that I could accept my death more readily, having known that happiness. And I was happy, Suzaku…

There were so many moments that we did have together in that short time. I will always remember those silent spaces when I lay beside you in the bed and listened to you breathe. That was my favorite way to fall asleep, to feel your warmth beside me and let your breaths pull me into a steady rhythm, until at last even my restless mind would fall quiet and I would sleep better than I ever did alone.

It was enough just to be with you like that. To hold you and touch you and make you mine, night after night.

I might never have admitted that I loved you at all had you not said those words to me first. Perhaps not even to myself. I still remember the expression on your face when you told me that you loved me, the way your green eyes shone with emotion.  I saw then that it was all real, that even after all the times that we hurt each other, you truly did love me.  And I loved you. Whatever becomes of me, I will carry that moment with me.   I could never have hoped for so much… and somehow, you gave it to me so freely.

After that, how could I let myself die without telling you that I felt the same way? I could not leave you with a lie… even if it was a poor pretense at best. I could never let it end that way. Least of all with you. 

You knew everything about me by then, all of my lies and truths. I do not know why I thought I could my feelings from you.

You needed to hear what I thought of you. You never loved yourself enough, Suzaku. You never saw everything in yourself that I did. All of the strength, the passion, the courage. The purity that rested deep in your heart even in the worst of times. The loyalty… the stubbornness to match my own…

Even when we were fighting each other, I always wished that we were allies rather than enemies. That every horrible betrayal between us had never happened. That I had never caused you such pain and grief. That was why it broke me completely when I thought that you had betrayed me. Because even as enemies, there was always an unspoken understanding between us. And when we were friends again, it was so much more.

So, I decided to leave you with one last night of eloquence. One last night for us to know every kind of rapture together. I told you then that I loved you. And that I would keep loving you as long as I breathed, whether it was just the short time that we had left or for years to come. It was the truth. My love for you could not wane over time. Something so strong would burn brightly through the ages. Perhaps it was enough to even surpass my last breath… because I still love you even now…

~*~

            Perhaps that is why, for just a moment, I wonder if I have passed on to some kind of an afterlife when I awaken to the sound of you breathing. I know it is you without opening my eyes, and after a second, I feel the warmth of your body against mine. I wonder if this is our chance to be reunited, our chance to be together when all of the pain and sacrifice is in the past… if your romantic notions might have been more right than I could have hoped…

            And then, the pain hits me all at once.

It is something sharp emerging from the silken shroud that seems to surround me, tearing it until it falls away completely. My chest burns with every breath I take, and there is a spot at the center of my chest that throbs with bright pain. Even though it feels as if I have been unconscious for a long time, I feel incredibly weary, as if merely being awake is taking all of my strength. My mind still seems dim from pain and exhaustion, because I cannot begin to understand what is happening. I gasp reflexively, coughing and choking as my eyes snap open. 

That does it. Your arms were already enfolding me protectively, but now they tighten around me painfully in instinctive panic. Your body tenses and then you’re fully alert, drawing back just enough to hover over me, your green eyes full of a desperate hope in the dim sunlight that filters in from behind the blinds.

“Lelouch? You’re awake…” The smile on your lips is one of unexpected joy and relief, and you reach down so tenderly to brush the hair back from my eyes that I almost forget the pain for a moment. “Please, say something…” The look in your eyes begs me to speak to you and prove that that this is real. That plea overwhelms everything else, and so, I do.

“Suzaku…” My voice is painful to my own ears, cracked and hoarse. My throat aches, and I cough again before I can say anything else.

“Lelouch…” Your smile is even brighter for a moment, but your features quickly shift to concern as I cough. I am sure that my expression is pained. I would be lying if I said that I am not in agony. “Just rest. Let me get you some water.” You are as quick as ever to rise, your footsteps fading away as you go to get the water.

It is only as I let my head fall back against the pillow that I finally realize what would have been obvious immediately if my mind were not clouded with pain and drugs. I am alive. Alive.

Part 1